To The Friend, I Lost After Having Kids
I thought about you today, I think about you a lot actually.
I thought about you when my oldest said his first swear word. I know that you would have loved to have laughed about that, and you actually probably would have been the one they learned it from.
I thought about you when my youngest woke up at 5AM, for the 5th day in a row. I wanted to call you at 9AM a decent time that I know you would have been waking up at to hear about how it feels to sleep in.
I thought about you when they started dancing to one of our favorite songs. Could you believe a song that was a hit 10 years ago would be that cute when a 4 year old is telling you to look at his amazing moves?
I thought about you when we were going through old pictures of mommy. My kids of course, couldn’t believe that I was ever that young. They were question who that person was that I was hugging and laughing so hard with, of course, it was you.
I thought about you when my kid was having a rough day at the grocery store and everyone was staring at me. I know you would have been there to throw one of the best adult tantrums they ever seen and helped me laugh and put me at ease.
I thought about you when one of them told me they hated me for the first time. The tears stung my face when they hit and I know you would have been there to tell me that I didn’t need to take it personally and I could get revenge when they were older and show their baby butt to their first date.
I thought about you on the day they were born. How I was wishing you would walk into my room and announce that their favorite aunt/uncle had arrived and you were ready to spoil them for the rest of your life.
I thought about you when they told me that he has Autism. Feeling empty and hopeless, I needed you to be there with books in hand and a coffee telling me that we would get through this together. That they are still the amazing kid that I know and how we’re going to change the face of this disorder.
I thought about you on their first day of school. I couldn’t see through the tears when the bus doors closed. Your car should be in the driveway so we could follow the bus and watch them get off like crazy people together.
I thought about you when I posted my new status about their accomplishments and looked at the likes. I knew that your name wouldn’t be among them but I set it to public just in case you ever check in on us.
I know you have your own life now. There’s no diapers or playdates, no tantrums or IEP meetings, no potty training or bed time before 9PM. I just wonder if you ever think about me, the countless times I think about you.